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Looks, money, fame and puppies are keys to a good relationship

Looks, money, fame and puppies are keys to a good relationship

A couple of guys who wrote a book called "Die Happy: 499 Things Every Guy's Gotta Do While He Still Can" just wrote an article for MSN.com called "Dating Advice for Shy Guys."
Tim Burke and Michael Burke, who sound suspiciously like they're brothers, like doling out advice to other guys. Which is always sketchy ... unless you're me. I usually know what guys should do in any given situation, which is why I only do this writing stuff in my spare time, when I'm not counting my millions or hanging around the Playboy Mansion.
In their article, the Burkes tell shy men to do things like bring a good wingman (that term needs to be outlawed), be honest, use technology, perhaps take an improv class or become a good listener.
None of these are good suggestions at all. Because I'm an expert on gender-relations, I have some much better ideas that will win a shy man the heart of any woman he desires.
n Become Better Looking: Women never ignore shy guys who are good looking. I know a guy who had wonderful relationships with many good-looking women throughout his life without ever saying one word. Not one. He wore a name tag when they met, handed them a resume, and things took off from there. I think he's happily married now, proving that not talking is key to a happy relationship.
n Make More Money: Yes, it's a cliche. But women like nice things. Nice things cost money. So get a job with a hefty paycheck (in other words, not in journalism). Once you have that money, you can deal with your shyness by simply buying women something every time things get awkward and she wants to talk. You can prepare for this by filling your pockets full of gifts. Lull in the conversation? Pull some jewelry out of your pocket and shove it into her hands. That should do the trick every time
If you somehow don't make enough money to apply this method, at least gather enough to buy some nice clothes and pretend. Your relationship won't last very long, but at least you can say you had one.
n Become a Rock Star: I actually tried this though, come to think of it, I didn't exactly go about it the right way. Let me start this one over ...
n Become a Rock Star Without Being the Drummer: That's much better. There's a reason the drummer is in the back. Look at band photo and you immediately know who the drummer is: the guy who looks most like an unemployed construction worker. He's also the one most likely to wear one of those hats that hold cans of beer on either side of his head. The chicks don't take that kind of rocker seriously. Sing or play guitar. You don't actually have to become a real rock star to meet many, many girls. Being in a mildly successful band should do the trick. Chicks love it when guys talk about "gigs," "record labels," and especially "big advances."
n Find an Attractive Woman and Hand Her a Puppy: In fact, all men should have a puppy handy, just in case. But shy men especially, since women fall in love with the first man they see once a puppy is in their presence. It doesn't matter if you're too shy to talk. In fact, you could be born without a tongue and it wouldn't matter. Entire conversations can consist of nothing but humming and cooing over the dog. You don't need a tongue for that.
For men who do have tongues, the puppy becomes an instant conversation piece. You can walk the dog together, asking "who's a good boy?" in that irritating, whiney half-Scooby-Do voice. The chicks love that; it shows your sensitive side. Just make sure you offset that by doing manly things. Tell her you kick-box in your spare time. And when you break up, make sure she keeps the dog. You're not going to have room in your apartment for all the dogs you accumulate with this strategy. Besides, you're going to need the space for the next puppy.
Tony Hicks is a columnist for Contra Costa Times.